What if you could press reset and take a step towards a brighter future?

If we’re honest with ourselves, a lot of us aren’t fine. Many of us are surviving in these uncertain times and sometimes we have to work hard to find the positives. Now we’ve entered a new year, it seems a good time to reflect on my own journey these last two years. I wasn’t one of those people who thrived in the pandemic – more like survived. 

Lockdown Lessons 

I’ve been affected by the Covid 19 pandemic more than I initially realised. Juggling family life with being a secondary school teacher, adapting to online teaching and masking my anxieties, meant that I couldn’t see that I was genuinely frightened of the virus. 

In truth, I worried almost every hour of every day about the future. I acknowledge now that suppressing my fears wasn’t a good idea. I look back and have realised that having the news on constantly and never missing the Downing Street briefings meant that I obsessed over the virus and took on the weight of it. 

I thought it was normal to want to know every detail and all the figures to try and make sense of it all but looking back, I think I let my anxiety get the better of me; I lied to myself. I couldn’t fathom how a virus could actually close down the world and that fact just reinforced the seriousness of it. 

Usually, I like to give the impression that I’ve got it all figured out and act like nothing phases me but every so often this dishonesty with myself creeps up on me and I’ll reach a point where my suppressed feelings come spilling out. I end up upset and worried about something totally different to what I thought I was upset about – it’s taken a lot for me to face this ugly truth. 

To survive the pandemic and to try and maintain an element of control, I remember making a timetable of activities to entertain and teach our three year old and honestly, I’m glad of the memories we all made together. I have genuine admiration for anyone who channelled their fears into something positive or allowed themselves to feel their way through fears and worries without trying to control them. Some people transformed their lives during the covid lockdowns. I felt like I wasn’t present for most of it.

During the first lockdown, my stepdad lost his mum, my mum had a mini stroke, my wedding was cancelled and we all made sacrifices to follow the rules as best we could. I believed that people live through hard times so we just keep going. I’m not sure I believe that today.

Adapting to a New Life

The last couple of years have been a blur. Surviving a pandemic, a cancelled wedding and being thrown into single mum life have meant that I’ve been busy living through challenges. I didn’t realise I was hiding my true feelings in a bid to keep going. To protect privacy on all sides including our young daughter – I won’t go into it all – but what I will say is that for a long time, I just couldn’t bring myself to accept that my family was broken. This was for many reasons – but the main one was that on some level, I had an overwhelming sense of failure; it wasn’t in my plan. I really wanted it to work out; I’d given 12 years of my life and was fully committed to this person, someone I deeply loved unconditionally. I know that we’re both good people and I’m still learning that acceptance and forgiveness is a process. It has to be said that I feel like we co-parent well and Little Lass absolutely adores her Daddy but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt. 

But this isn’t about what was supposed to happen or what could’ve been, it’s about the process of finding myself and adjusting to a new life. To cope, I’ve had to learn to quieten my inner critic and embrace the positives. It’s easier said than done. My phone is full of Instagram reels about embracing change and raising self-confidence but nobody actually tells you how. The reality is harder than people let on. I see that it takes commitment, self-reflection and honesty to ultimately grow as a person.

The biggest lesson I’ve learnt is to accept moments for what they are and I’ve had to succumb to the notion what will be will be. The so-called silver lining here is that ordinary, everyday life has moments of magic and when we open our eyes, we can genuinely generate more appreciation and more joy.

Gratitude

Today, I’m personally grateful for:

• Improved connections with family & friends especially my Little Lass
• Control of the remote
• Long hot baths and pampering
• New experiences
• Being more present & in the moment 
• Not having to consult anyone else
• Dancing in the kitchen to my playlist
• A renewed sense of inspiration

So, What’s Next?

I know that everyone’s journey is different and we have to figure out our own paths. My personal joy comes from appreciating and feeling optimistic about

1. Closer connections with my daughter 
2. Rediscovering what I like as a person 
3. Setting new intentions and goals for my future 

Today, I took a small step to write again. I already feel lighter.

Maybe you’ll feel inspired to take a small step for yourself today…

If you like this post, I’d love to hear from you in the comments!