Biscuits are sly. On the surface they are the perfect accompaniment to a cuppa tea, for sharing at a meeting or to devour in one sitting. But they know how to get us. Covered in tempting milky chocolate, they softly whisper to us and slowly corrupt us. We are weak and they know it.
I don’t know about you but I want biscuits when I need a pick-me-up, when it’s the time of the month, when I’m having a treat, when I’m stressed, when I’m tired or when I’ve got friends round – so basically whenever I’m breathing. I don’t stand a chance.
But am I alone? My post-Christmas conversations, with almost every female I know, are all about losing weight in one form or another. “I just want to feel better in my clothes”, “I need to lose a stone for the holiday” or “I just need my mouth taping up. End of”. I can identity with them all…so what’s your diet pattern?
Like most of us, I usually diet in January as part of the annual resolution ritual or when my clothes don’t fit, when I’m going to a special event or when I’m going on holiday – so that equates to most of the year. Then when I feel ok and I’m more a size 12 than a 14 [I own and wear both], I then reach for the biccies again to reward the weight loss – and so it’s back to square one! I am the classic yo-yo.
A fitness programme may help me though, right? Yeh, I’ve been known have to occasional jog but there’s a bit more couch to my fitness than the 5K. Downloading the app and buying the [unflattering] stretchy trousers makes me feel like I’m in a sports advert so I don’t always get to the actual exercise bit. [Cue wind machine and imaginary pert bouncy bum]. I’m just grateful there are no mirrors in the park. My current fitness regime includes sporadic jogging and occasional Boxercise class with my best mate, who’s not lacking in candour and likes to remind me that I wasn’t blessed with any form of physical coordination, “You’re better with books and stuff”. Still, at least we have a laugh and that is the real point isn’t it?
My exercise history includes a gym membership which I continually paid by direct debit, despite being out of the country for 7 months. Zumba has also been a phase; the class would jig one way and I shimmied the other. Then there was aqua aerobics more like Aqua Geriatrics…and that was just me [the old ‘uns were well into it!]
Reflecting on your ‘dieting past’ is kind of like looking back on your old relationships – there are a few good times but mostly just embarrassments. So what’s the truth about us fat fighters?
There’s the ‘rule book’ dieter who follows the plan to the letter and won’t deviate one bit. Devouring small portions of grapefruit and egg every day for a million days. She lasts 3 days, stays the same and purposely face plants a Big Mac in frustration. You’ll probably find her standing all afternoon on the Flabelos machine in the local salon.
There’s the ‘cheater’ – now this girl is annoying. She still manages to lose a steady 2lb a week at the group weigh in, despite her stories about getting trollied on nights out & polishing off takeaways at weekends. She listens to your genuine stories about maintaining, even though you’ve denied yourself all week, before showing you her loose waistband. Bugger off.
The ‘in denial’ – she is confused why she has put on weight when she’s “stuck to it all week”. She racks her brains and looks to the ceiling for comfort… From God? Yeh he saw you eat a whole cake too. Who are you kidding?
Then there’s ‘sporty spice’ – she is eating the balanced diet, does her three sessions of 30 minutes exercise religiously each week and maintains her figure. She knows it’s simply a balance between eating right and moving about. I really want to be this girl. Well, I do for a few weeks anyway, then I want my life back.
Finally, there are the ‘ordinaries’ – we are good and stick to the plan for few weeks, reach our target weight [or so] and congratulate ourselves by eating whatever we want. In skip loads.
Whatever your dieting pattern, I’m sure we all believe that it’s how you feel in yourself. We are bombarded with endless miracle cures, pictures of celebrity post-pregnancy weight losses and Facebook posts of 6-pack selfies showing before and after transformations – so just do whatever makes you happy.
Inspired to go and get fit? No, me neither. Come on, let’s have a biscuit. You deserve one after all that reading.