UK Summer Holidays will shortly be coming to an end and as I write, we’re heading off for a week in the sun before the ‘Back to School’ prep starts. For coparents, summer can stir up a mix of emotions: excitement, dread, hope, anxiety. You’re trying to create magical memories for your kid(s) while also navigating shared access, the other parent’s calendar, rising childcare fees, and maybe even a new partner in the picture.
Here’s the truth: even the most cooperative co-parents can still hit roadblocks when summer arrives. I’m sharing and breaking down the five big ones and how as parents, we might get through them:
1. When Routines Go Out the Window
During the school year, I find there’s some comfort in predictability: regular wake-up times, school runs, your child’s hobbies and bedtimes. Then summer hits and suddenly your child is staying up later at the other house, you’re worried that they’re eating ice cream for breakfast and glued to an iPad for hours. I read somewhere that we should prioritise communication and even make use a coparenting app… This feels idealistic and assumes that both parents are on the same page with their communication styles. (And let’s face it, if their ideas about parenting actually aligned, they probably wouldn’t have separated in the first place).
If you’re reading this, chances are that you know that this is a major struggle for any separated parents. Over time, I’ve come to accept that there’s no such thing as picture perfect coparenting, I’ve succumbed to the idea that I can only control what happens in my house. Don’t get me wrong, I do voice the important things but have learnt that I can’t control what happens in another household. Quite simply – I’m not there to assess, judge or make the decisions…even if I am her mum. This is probably the single hardest thing about sharing a child.
Much like my friends who are raising their kids in two parent homes, one parent is typically more relaxed whereas the other’s much more disciplined. In the end, I think it’s the same for most families (coparent or not) we’re all navigating different parenting styles and our children need to understand the expectations of both parents.
I’ve come to realise that instead of trying to force both homes to run identically (which rarely works), I’ve found that a little consistency goes a long way in keeping my little one emotionally grounded. I try to communicate my expectations to her so she knows where she stands.
2. The Summer Calendar Tug-of-War
You want to take the kids to the seaside the second week of summer break. But your co-parent has already booked a staycation on those dates… and forgot to tell you. Cue the frustration, the tension, the inevitable compromise. Planning early can obviously help. But it can take military precision to link up multiple calendars and diaries for those in your wider support network. The summer calendar is like a puzzle you’re trying to solve and it requires some give and take; it’s not a battle to win – even though for both sides, it does feel that way. What matters most to me, is giving my child the chance to enjoy summer, not putting them in the middle of scheduling stress.
3. Who’s Paying for All This?
Cheerleading uniform, day trips, new swimsuits, suncreams and ice creams all add up, don’t they? Summer brings a spike in expenses for any parent, and when finances aren’t clearly divided, resentment can simmer. It helps to have automated childcare payments and chats about future expenses such as splitting school uniform costs – I’ve found are all easier when done in advance. I know that every family situation is different and you have to find what works for you. Money can be a trigger for a lot of people and budgets are necessary as the cost of living continues to rise. Little things add up to bigger things especially when, like me, you’re the only one managing money in the household.
4. The Quiet Drift in Communication
Summer can change even the best-laid communication routines. One of you is working different hours, the other is away on a trip, and suddenly updates get lost or delayed. My daughter is of an age where she doesn’t have her own phone yet, so to talk to her, I have to rely on her using her dad’s phone. Coupled with the fact that she might be busy playing when I’m free to chat, the window when I can actually speak to her gets smaller.
I’ve found that over time, I’ve had to peel my energy off waiting for the anticipated call or voicenote and try to refocus my attention onto something else. Otherwise, it can lead to misunderstandings, assumptions, and conflict if we’re not careful. It also helps to keep things business-like if emotions are high, but as I’m sure you’ll agree, it’s important to keep communication going for your child’s sake.
5. The Kids Feel the Shifts, Too
It’s easy to focus on the logistics: whose house are they staying at and when. But behind all that is a child who may be struggling with the transitions, the inconsistency or their emotions of understanding different homes. It helps to remind yourself that you’re putting the kids first. That means not arguing in front of them, not forcing them to choose sides, and making sure they feel safe and supported in both homes. Reassurance and regular check ins are really helpful. Sometimes it’s not about a missed bedtime; it’s about your child needing reassurance that everything’s okay, no matter where they are.
Final Thought:
I find summer, like any childcare decision, is a juggling act that needs patience and adaptability but it can still be a season of great memories, for your children, and maybe even for you.
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